When Roxane Gay she was 12 years old, she was brutally gang-raped by her boyfriend and several of his friends. This took place in a cabin in the woods in a nice, suburban neighborhood, she said, and her perpetrator came from a “nice” family. This was a trauma she kept secret, even from her family, for many years.

She admits that, even after this horrendous crime, she continued to see him and let him have his way with her body. She began to overeat to protect her body from further hurt, both physically and emotionally. Throughout boarding school and college, her overeating only worsened. She also struggled with painful shyness while engaging in dangerous, unhealthy relationships.

She wanted to tell her story because, as she explains, too many people are often cruel and judgmental toward bodies like hers. They do not know her truth or the truth of others who deal with compulsive overeating or other eating disorders like anorexia nervosa or bulimia. They also cannot understand the challenges of everyday life as a 577-pound woman (her weight at the time). She wrote this as a form of therapy to find healing.

She now regrets not having told her parents and not seeking help at a much younger age. At the same time, she feels that when it comes to her challenges as an obese woman, “the world and its unwillingness to accept me are the problem” (Gay, 2017, p.20). She criticizes Western culture and media, particularly weight loss commercials and shows like “The Biggest Loser” for fat-shaming and teaching women that thin equals happy. She wants to be healthy and feel comfortable in her body, but not for the purpose of meeting any societal beauty standard; “I believe it is so important for women to feel comfortable in their bodies, without wanting to change every single thing about their bodies. I (want to) believe my worth as a human being does not reside in my size or appearance.”

Gay wants to share her story not because she is special or a survivor (she prefers “victim”) but because stories like hers are everywhere and they need to be shared. In addition to overeating, she says reading and writing were also her escape, and she says this is what saved her. She ends by saying that she is starting to finally feel free, and she does want to lose weight and be a more active person. “I am learning that the measure of my happiness is not weight loss, but rather, feeling more comfortable in my body. I no longer need the body fortress I built. I need to tear down some of the walls.”



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